Letting Mom Guilt go!
Back in February I received an email that my kids were going to be able to start going to hybrid school in March. Basically Mon, Tue, Thu, Fri they would be able to attend half day school. I was relieved. I am also relieved that they are back in physical school this fall. Immediately I started to feel guilty, but I had to let those feelings sit with me. Why? Why should I feel guilty? My kid’s had been attending virtual school for a full year. While I was one of those moms at first ranting how my kids were not going back to school even if they offered it, my opinion has drastically changed. I am grateful they were able to remain healthy over the past year, but it was not successful. The truth is we struggled heavily. It is just not the ideal learning situation for 4 teenagers in the comfort of their home to actually all willingly stay on task all day. Add in that their mother has a demanding job where even though she is at home, she cannot fully monitor them. I work virtually and have for over 9 years and I think that made it worse. The routine I had worked so hard to build was thrown out of the window and it was just hard. I felt guilty all the time wanting it to end.
You would think that because I have older children this transition would be seamless. Well, I thought that too. However, my kids could not separate the fact that they had SCHOOL hours at home. It felt like because they were at home that school was optional. It wasn’t. No matter how many times I explained school hours to them I would catch one of them asleep when they were supposed to be at school. Or one completely gone, like not even in the house. Another watching YouTube instead of completing homework in between classes. Listen they were really trying me! When I tell you their time management sucked, it really did. My kids have juggled multiple sports for years successfully, so all of this was just beyond me. The comfort of their home every single day just did not equate to consistent productivity. When it was all said and done 3 out of the 4 were able to buckle down and earn acceptable grades at the bar we set as a household. It was a tough pill to swallow that even with removing phones and Xboxes that I wasn’t able to get one of my children to care enough about online school. It was tough and the guilt was heavy.
Parenting is hard! We have all been there where we felt like we have failed. I’m listing 4 reasons why we have to let that mom guilt go.
We are human-As mothers, as parents we are going to make mistakes. There are going to be days where we don’t get it right. I can be extremely forgetful. If I don’t save it in my phone or write it in my calendar, the chances of me remembering something is slim to none. Sometimes I get bombarded with emails from the kids’ school and I don’t always remember to put them on my calendar. I have messed up a practice or two because of this. It happens. Most of the time we get a chance to apologize and start fresh the next day. There is no parenting manual that is going to help us raise our children. We are all just out here doing the best that we can. Honestly, I don’t even know what perfection looks like when parenting. That's how elusive the thought is. That super human façade is played out, we don’t know and can’t do everything.
Our kids make their own decisions-When our children are NOT with us, they have to make their own decisions. All of the values we have instilled in them along with their moral compass will help them navigate these worldly streets. Often times they will get it right. Other times they will get it wrong. Sometimes severely wrong. We will have moments where it’s like who raised you?? This isn’t new though, think about yourself as a teenager. We all made decisions where we definitely knew better, but chose to do them anyway. Our kids are not exempt from that. It also doesn't make you a bad parent. As parents we can not shoulder all the blame and guilt because our children made a mistake. We can however hold them accountable for those decisions they make. Also, if they seem to be acting out for some reason or you feel like you can't help them, find someone that can.
We are not in this alone-I know for a long time I felt like I HAD to do everything on my own. That in order to be a good mom, it was on me to figure out how to navigate every single aspect of their lives. Listen as a mother of 4, it wasn’t even humanly possible for me to do that at times. When there are 4 different schedules to juggle you are bound to need some help. It is perfectly okay to ask for help! In fact for your sanity please ask for help. There was a stretch from 2015-2018 where it felt like my children wanted to play every damn sport available. I encouraged them to find what they enjoyed, so I didn’t hinder them. Those schedules though… It was hard. I remember mixing up pick up times, being late or too early, mixing up days. It was a full time job. I about ran myself into the ground. Then one day another mom asked if her son could ride home with my boys, and she would in turn take mine to practice. By nature I’m an introvert so the thought of me asking someone this, never crossed my mine. From then on though, I was hip to the game and grateful for it. For the past 10 years we have lived over 1800 miles from my family. So the village I had when my kids were little just did not exist. I never thought to create a new village, that my village didn’t have to be related to me. So many families have supported me and my family over the years and I cannot thank them enough. ‘ll say it again. It is okay to ask for help! It is okay to share some duties to reduce effort for all of us parents doing our best.
Our expectations are too high-Reverting back to reason #1 we are humans. There is only so much time in the day and every minute of it can not be spent parenting. Out here in these social media streets we see moms embroidering backpacks, using cricut’s to personalize everything their child owns, dinners are super healthy, pictures are flawless, birthday parties are lavish and we start to compare ourselves to what we see. We all know that social media is a highlight reel, for the most part people share only the positive things in their lives. The truth is we don’t know their situation. If you work full time, you can not compare yourself to a stay at home mom. You really can’t compare yourself to anyone because your life is yours. You will have limitations that others may not have. You may have knowledge that others may not have. It’s important that we put realistic expectations on ourselves within our own means, our budget, our time.
There will be times where parenting feels overwhelming. When it does we have to figure out how to reduce some of the tasks we are carrying. Can one of your kids take a sibling to practice? Can your husband or significant other pick up or cook dinner one day out the week? Can you rest because you are tired. I am you and I know it’s hard, but we can not continue to shoulder the guilt of not being able to be everything for our children. It’s just not meant to be that way. I hope these tips help to lessen that guilt for you. Please share in the comments any tips that helped you let that mom guilt go.
